and felix
Here is my catty Oscar monologue. I am calling it a post. :-)
I hate billy bush – it must be a bush thing.
Keira knightly is fucking gorgeous, but too young too be so successful. So say i.
Junebug? Huh? Was a drunk when this movie came out? Never heard of it.
I am totally totally totally opposed to the best song award. I bet I have ranted about this before. They are film awards, not music awards. Dolly is freakin sweet as pie though.
The only movie nominated that I have seen is crash. I am so out of touch, I will only be able to mock clothing. Well, and dumb shit someone will inevitably say.
Wow, Jessica alba looks like a hooker.
What is Lauren Hutton wearing? Looks like a sporin or something. Maybe she is a man and it is covering her wang.
I hate skin colour dresses. Mark says it looks like our cat got at Naomi watts' dress. Maybe because is looks like SKIN!
I like Paul Giamti, I hate boxing. I hate boxing movies.
What can you really say about men's tuxes? Move on.
Helena Bonham carter and Tim Burton both look fucking electrocuted. Hire a stylist! Maybe they used the same one as peter Jackson and his wife last year. Get a comb!
Michelle Williams looks fabulous, even though how she went from Dawson's Creek to Oscar nominee surpassed me. She don't talk much tho do she?
Mark says movie with monkeys = good.
Keanu Reeves = sack of hammers.
More outfits! Less critics.
Nicole Kidman, what is with the aussi women and the flesh dress? TOO PALE.
George Clooney = hot, handsome, I just, he just, well, is. He wins most doable from the academy of jenandtonic.
Jen (Aniston)! Go kick Jolie's ass! Lookin' hot.
Felicity Huffman, looks great. I am so gay for crying for the freakin desperate housewives hello.
I loves David Straithrain, in 8 Men Out, or was it Field of Dreams?
Jake gyllenhall = tasty jailbait.
No one has looked so great pregnant at the Oscars since Cate Blanchett.
Opening sequence with former presenters = funny.
Bjork joke = good
Mark already told me he saw George Clooney win. Hurrah! And yes, very classy speech.
History of violence, another movie I have never heard of.
Mother of fuck I hate it when they have animated "presenters" GAY.
God bless the DVR – we taped this thing so I can skip the speeches and categories I care not for. I'm so no fun.
I mean I am really happy for the people who win for makeup and costumes and such, but I don't want to see the whole thing.
Morgan freeman, nice ascot.
I am totally calling mark my luminous husband from now on. Just like Rachel Weisz' luminous acting partner Ralph Feinnes.
Cheek bones so improbable its like they were sprinkled with god dust.
Damn penguin winners making me tear up.
J lo lookin' good.
Sam Jackson. SNAKES ON PLANES.`
We have the whole thing on the DVR, you know, TAPED and Mark LINGERS on the speech from the president of the academy of arts and sciences. I asked him if he was trying to kill me.
Thank fuck john Williams didn't win for best score. Isn't that guy like 129?
Yes Jon and Mark, i agree, ENOUGH WITH THE MONTAGE.
Why wasn't sound mixing given away at the scientific achievement awards? *yawn*
Meryl Streep finally looks good. Finally.
Jennifer Garner has some breast feeding boobies.
Mark should really stop grunting KOOOOOOOONNNNNNGG so loud, he is gonna wake da' baby.
Yeah George Clooney!
Booo people who have died. Sad.
What's with Terence Howard's brooch?
Mrs. Henderson Presents. Also a movie me no heard of.
Seriously, we don't need anymore remakes of Pride and Prejudice.
Reese Witherspoon thank your husband. THE CAMERA IS ON HIM.
6 minutes over ALREADY. Should have cut the montages and the freakin' songs.
Uma Oprah another fucking skin coloured dress!!!
Jack Nicholson needs me to sucker punch him in the face.
The best time to hitch up your strapless dress is when your husband wins best pictures. Don't worry, no one is watching.
OK, its all over. Crash is the only movie I actually saw. I liked it, but I can't be a judge based on that.
I am up too late and there is laundry in the dryer AS PER USUAL. so g'night.
xo
Comments
testing again
Posted by: jenB | March 6, 2006 12:00 PM
salon.com has a nice rant about how did they make Mr. Stewart suck ... (another test for Jen)
Posted by: bacon bringer | March 6, 2006 12:23 PM
Hi! Okay I have a "Jen's Post" monologue. I'm calling it a comment.
She's pretty, sure, but Keira Knightly's teeth are too scary for her to be "gorgeous."
I know, huh? Junebug? Huh?
What IS it about boxing movies? They're the worst. Almost as bad as ... boxing.
THANK YOU on the men's tux remark. Who the F'n F cares about the tuxes?
"Keanu Reeves = sack of hammers" = milk coming out of my nose.
Nicole Kidman did look weird. My best adjective for her: bloodless. In all that implies.
George Clooney = def doable, but, but, it ruins it for me that he knows just how much. Yes, a good speech, but then ... attitude. Boo.
The Bjork joke made me love Jon Stewart forever. With that joke, he was Made. I don't care what anyone says.
WITNESS on the gay-ass animated presenters. Boo.
"Thank Fuck" = me falling deeper into love with you. Uh, I mean, right on.
It's agreed across the land: Jack Nicholson hasn't taken the hint, and will be summarily shipped to Elba.
Posted by: julia | March 6, 2006 01:15 PM
Nicole Kidman wins the award for A Shitload of Plastic Sugery That Snuck Up On America. I mean what happened to the girl from Far and Away? What happened to that girl's eyes?
I didn't even watch last night, but that's been bothering me for a while. The one scene I did see was Jack Nicholson in sunglasses on stage. For maybe the thirty-second year in a row.
Posted by: estella | March 6, 2006 05:26 PM
HAHA You mentioned Jen Garner's boobs! Some of my friends and I were chatting online while watching and were talking about those honkers. My friend was like WOW She must be breastfeeding! She's STACKED now..hehe I barely watched honestly..never really do. I usually pay attention to the last 15 minutes or so..when they announce the 'biggies' I'm horrible aren't I??
Posted by: JenS | March 6, 2006 08:47 PM
Is that why Jennifer Garner nearly tripped? She's not used to hauling around those honkers? Poor gal. Doesn't she know we PRACTICE walking with our enormous boobage before heading toward the stage?
Posted by: Mocha | March 6, 2006 09:15 PM
chick, rent history of violence
a seriously good flick
Posted by: Ada | March 6, 2006 11:01 PM
oh my goodness gracious that is the most adorable picture of char, and perhaps any child, that i have ever seen. i want to squeeze those cheeks!
Posted by: m | March 8, 2006 07:02 AM
Below freezing? Ha ha ha ha! I start complaining when it gets near 50F!
Love those red cheeks.
Posted by: Twinmama | March 8, 2006 10:20 AM
Awesome photo. Look at those cheeks!
Posted by: Gimmy | March 8, 2006 01:15 PM
She's GORGEOUS.
Posted by: Meg | March 8, 2006 01:45 PM
As usual, Char is the picture of childhood joy and innocence, and one of the cutest damn things I've ever, ever, ever seen!
Posted by: Jessica | March 8, 2006 11:37 PM
Oh, the womanly pain. The womanly pain! How I hate the womanly pain.
Charlotte is such a cutie. Seeing her in the snow like that makes me realize that I'm not totally being honest with my daughter when I claim no one goes to the park in the winter.
Posted by: ozma | March 9, 2006 10:33 AM
look at those cheeks!!!!!! too cute!
Posted by: jennster | March 9, 2006 02:50 PM
I'm loving the lavender. I feel all soothed and calm while reading...
Posted by: ap | March 9, 2006 04:29 PM
swwwwooooooooooooooooon.
man is she gorgeous!
Posted by: nita | March 10, 2006 11:19 AM
I ran across your blog from a Web search... the name of your blog caught my eye (clever), so I popped on over.
I just read your Oscar posting and enjoyed it thoroughly. I saw exactly one more nominated movie than you (Brokeback Mountain) and dubbed this the year of "important movies." I liked Brokeback better than Crash. (I thought Crash was too contrived.) Wait. I also saw Pride & Prejudice. And while I agree that Hollywood goes a little crazy on the Jane Austen movies, I have to say I liked this one better than any I've seen previously. It was really well done. And I don't like Kiera that much.
Also, totally agree on George Clooney. Yummy and doable! Although whoever commented about the attitude was right on. He had me until he got on the soap box to tell everyone why celebrities are so great. Ugh.
And, side note, Jake Gyllenhall... definitely doable... definitely NOT jailbait. He's in his mid-20's and quite legal. :)
Posted by: tonua | March 11, 2006 10:24 AM
preeeetty. i like the purple.
char looks so precious and i love the mittens attached to the sleeve. i'd wear those now myself!
Posted by: Snowy | March 13, 2006 03:20 PM
Jack Nicholson DOES need you, personally, to punch him in the face, HARD. And I will pay you to do so.
Also? I totally knew you had clothes in the dryer, you can't-go-to-bed-until-the-dryer-stops FREAK!
Posted by: Belinda | March 16, 2006 04:12 PM