The path that stops being taken?

Jen, I know everyone is all kissy-kissy hug-hug in this particular genre. But I really do adore you, honestly, at least your online personage. Something very true and real comes through about you...I can't explain it. You are super lovable.

I am going offline for the next six weeks and already posted about that...so I can't link to your post BUT...I'm just going to confuse you further with my thoughts.

(1) I am very skeptical about the internet as a good way to socially interact. I am only going on its effects on my psyche. There is something about the internet that makes me lonely. And the internet wastes time. There's just something bad about the internet (for me) and about social media generally. It's not deeply fulfilling.

But maybe I don't know how to get the thing I am looking for in the world. The internet is escapist. I distrust it for that reason.

(2) I am very NOT skeptical about the possibilities for ???what non-cheesy word here can I use??? growth??? honesty??? personal development of WRITING.

So these conflict, in my mind. The internet helps me write and probably helps you write. But there is just something...wrong or maybe inadequate about the internet as a way to fully develop one's human potential. At least for me.

How to reconcile these? I am not sure.

The situation is probably very different if one is doing this in a more professional and not a personal way, as some of the people you mention seem to be.

(3) I learn all these crazily fascinating things from observing the social interaction of the internet. E.g., I love observing the envy--it's so intriguing! What is envy anyway? Why is it so omnipresent? How can people be so unreflective about it? (As you are not.)

But clearly, the meanness is all crazy. On the other hand, from my writing, I have disocovered that there is so much freedom to be gained from detaching emotionally from other people and what they think/say/do if it is from afar and doesn't touch your life in some deep way (like make you lose your job, etc.).

Shorter version: Those bitches can't hurt you, really.

So in other words, I am way confused. I think: There is NO WAY that the internet even approximates the richness of talking to real people. The internet takes up time. Some people actually find real people on the internet and make it real. I can't do this. If you can, then maybe it is not good to leave this space.

I cannot even leave it myself, forever and ever. Even though I hate it.

Damn, I am just going on and on...this comment is longer than your post, probably.

I guess one thing you could do is lay our your various options. You have a presence on the internet. You have the potential to actually make this kind of a bigger thing. You are funny as hell. Your writing on TV is hysterical, for example. You could go all out and get devoted to it...work it for all it is worth. Go whole hog like some of those other chicks do.

Yeah, maybe people will envy you but whatever. Those people DESPERATELY need to be ignored.

Anyway, that's one option. You could consider what it is that is holding you back from that option. I would say that if it is doubt about yourself and your abilities, fear of envy, etc. then do not let that get in your way.

If it is that doing that would totally mess with your life then obviously, that's a consideration.

(2) Another option would be to just chuck it.

(3) Another option would be to do with it what you think will give you the most happiness and pleasure and enjoyment and fulfillment and all that--like writing about things that concern you. Does it help your life? If it does, then do that? Kind of go on doing what you do, be proud of what you do...it's good, what you do here.

Of course, I personally want to push you to become Jen (tm). I have no idea why. Start up Jen Talks TV (tm), Jen's Picks (tm), etc.

Opportunities will open up for Canadian bloggers, in time. You only need a very minimal redesign. Simplicity is in, anyway. You can't let evil stupid people stop you from doing anything. That would be a terrible reason for doing or not doing something.

In other words--it's probably not that hard and it's worth a shot.

I may not even be understanding your post...Also, who am I to give advice. You know I'm nuts!

But I'm not really giving advice...more like saying: You have the answers, once you think it through. One way to think about it is to think about what you REALLY want (HAH! Like we ever KNOW THAT) and then don't let anything stop you.

Write for more details as I feel I could go on and on...I can always go on and on...I'm also off email for the next six weeks but seriously, you can do ANYTHING Jen. You are already so there.

I'm not sure exactly what sort of feedback you're looking for so I don't know what to say. I did want you to know that I'm listening.

Bossy can only offer kisses and hugs and encourage you to keep stepping forward. Ever forward.

Girl, I'm with Ozma. The internet has become this fake place for me, a place to waste time, but it's not a good substitute for going out and meeting people. I've quit most of my places on the internet over the years, and now it barely holds my interest. I read my email, and a couple of news sites... and that's about it. For so long, I was addicted to checking all the sites and stuff, and ... I didn't like spending that much time on the Internet. So I sort of backed away.

I've been your friend since way back in the day, so I'm going to go out on a limb and say this, and I hope you don't hate me for it: But as hard as things were when you were struggling to have Charlotte, you seemed a lot happier when you were out working. You liked getting dressed up every day, you had lunch with your "secret boyfriend," you had your own money and you liked to spend it in the whatever way you wanted (you didn't feel guilty about spending it), and your anxiety seemed to be a lot less---It was still there, but it didn't seem to be as crippling. I know you have not wanted to go back to work, but I still think it might be worthwhile to investigate it. I think you would find new friends, who can give, you know, REAL hugs---internet hugs don't have arms. You could go have lunch with friends and get dressed up---girl I know you like wearing PJs, but I also know you've got a mad fashion streak and love to get dolled up----and spend your own money on stuff without feeling guilty about it.

I'm always in your corner, sister. But I think you might be bored with the internet, I wonder if all this anxiety and depression is partially fueled by you being bored, and I think it might be time to take a deep breath, cram that anxiety back down in the hole, and go back to work for a little bit, and see how it changes things for you. :) I suspect that it would be a positive change.

OK, I hope you aren't mad at me now. :) *Hugs* Quit the internet, throw a cookout! :) xoxoxoxoxo

When you join social networks there's always this horrible part where they want you to pick from a list of categories to explain what your blog is about. I hate that. It really pigeonholes something that I think cannot really be flatly contained. Yes, I have kids. Most (if not all) of my posts mention my kids. But a lot of it is about ME - my dreams, my memories, my hopes. Calling myself a mommyblogger just feels all kinds of wrong.

I'm also slightly envious of bloggers who have 'got it right' that elusive mix of great writing and followers. Envious, but in a little bit sad sort of way.

I have a review blog. As far as I know I am the only one who has ever seen it. I like trying the products but don't feel the posts are really BLOGGING. I lack the skill needed to combine the two.

I like your voice. It's gritty and real, and I enjoy your posts.

And I love the community. I am in awe of the way that bloggers can do good together.

*Hitting publish before I reread and chicken out*

i have rarely commented here, though I have followed you for years. Perhaps its because so often what I read here seemed to be so evenly supported by itself that all I would have been saying was ... Yah! and Right on! Or perhaps it's just laziness on my part.

I think stats overall are probably down. For me, and I never had enough readers to pay for lunch yet, I'm down half, too. Flickr comments are virtually gone, blog readers are dropping like flies and twitter seems to be the new mechanism to draw people here and there.

I tell you, sometimes I feel like I'm a rat in a maze.

I once talked so glowingly to a therapist about the support and goodwill to be found through internet communities, Especially when a person's location or commitments or social inabilities tended to isolate them.

I never attended events like Blogher because conferences aren't my thing. I have attended meetups, however, that have been so wonderful in forging the outside, real-life friendships that we all think we should be doing in our neighborhoods.

And believe me, as moms of elementary school kids, we will like it or not.

I've now been involved in the collapse of an internet community that I held very dear. It has shown me that the high school-sorting of people and ideas in order to make sense of them ... doesn't really end.

There are always popular people
there are always people who want to be popular. There's a jealousy that can be overwhelming. And there's a sense of wanting things to stay the same.

I don't know what to tell you that you don't already know. But I can tell you if you write, I will read. Even if it's only here and there.

I have a hard time knowing what to say or even if I should say anything as I am not in the blogging community really. I signed up on BlogHer and have no idea how to use it so I have never gone back. All I know is that I enjoy reading honest posts from bloggers who write about their view of life and seeing the daily photographs from the non writers. I check all my favorite blogs to laugh and cry and learn and feel involved in a much bigger world than just the one directly outside my front door. It never even occurred to me that there were freebies to be had.

I feel there are people who enjoy being mean and petty and cruel...I just don't give them any of my attention past the moment I realize what they are doing.

While my flickr stats go up and down and I don't really have a clue about my blog stats...I keep posting because at this point, I don't really know how to not post. I like my outlet. That may change someday and if it does, I will do what feels right at the moment.

The reason I decided to post a comment is that I want you to know that you have my support...whatever you decide to do. I just hope that it leads to you feeling whole.

I remember hearing somewhere that every phase of renewal/rebirth mimics actual birth in that it begins with the old support system shutting down. The things that once nourished us, no longer do, and we get uncomfortable enough to risk moving into something new. I don't know if that helps, but I've found it to be very true in my own life.

Wishing you JOY in all you do! xo

I've considered, many times, quitting this whole blogging thing and just keeping a personal journal. I've never EVER been one of the "cool kids" and I've felt snubbed before... but I keep mine up because of the few friends I have made. I keep mine going because occasionally my words touch someone and I feel like I'm making a difference albeit small. :) I also know that I don't commit myself to blogging the way others do. I'm distracted by a 2 year old and a 5 month old and trying to figure out how to be a good SAHM. I don't always comment and sometimes I can go weeks without checking my blogroll because I am otherwise engaged, but I'm a fan of yours... and know from here, flickr and twitter that you have quite a few people online who adore you and support you. Try to focus on that if you can. Try to remember that quality is more important than quantity. Hugs to you, Jen. :)

I think the part that sometimes gets lost is that there always has been, and always will be, room for everyone. And there's not only room for you, there are people who want you here.

And as long as you want to be here, you belong.

There's no prescription for the "right" way to blog or be online. Is this working for you? If yes, great. If no, what needs to change so that it works for YOU? Screw everyone else. Seriously. All of those posts are about blogging as a business; that's not where you're at, and that's fine.

I'm with Kyran. I wish you joy. You will find it.

Can we make a date to hang out in Chicago? I love you, darlin.
xoxo

I love you, love the way your write, and admire your honesty and genuineness. I've also felt the same way re: going anonymous.

I don't know that anyone can tell you what to do, only you in your heart know that but I will support you and feel happy to call you a friend regardless.

xo

jen, i wonder, why are so many of experiencing this internexistential crisis lately. like toyfoto, i've recently experienced the collapse of an internet community that was my everything. that colours everything for me now. i'm lost without my support group. i wish i'd built a real-life community in my real-life town. but where is it? i couldn't find it. (an aside: guess what, every time i work on the real-life community, people move away, leaving me with my issues of abandonment growing wildly.) your blog (and meeting you) has meant worlds to me. your words made me feel less alone in my struggle with anxiety and depression. your advice led me to my therapist, who saved my life. i don't comment like i should. because i'm tired, because i'm lazy, because i'm a bad friend? because sometimes reading something makes you go away and think and then you forget to come back and comment later? i don't know anything about the popularity thing - it's something i'll never understand. some people seem to have an innate magnetism that i will never have. i'm jealous of it too. i'd be lying if i didn't admit that. so. i'm just as rambling as you! all this to say, i love you and consider you my friend. xo

Hello, love. I too have been "stepping back" from the Internet lately. I felt myself getting sucked in and invested when people online didn't respond to me or "ignored me" in some way, I would get my feelings hurt. Then I realized, hey, why do I care about this? And it made me want to get out and go and focus on my real life connections.

That said, I think the Internet can be an awesome place to meet folks with like interests and a good starting point for sometimes broader friendships. But sometimes it is not, sometimes (like in life) these relationships go nowhere and that is just the way it is.

There's got to be some kind of balance and when that is gone, it is hard. Which is basically what you just said so HI I AM HELPFUL.

Anyway. I have been blogging less lately because I just don't feel like I have much to say either. Ebbs and flows, that is life.

I wish I had concrete ADVICE for you but I think, talk to the people you do see every day. Talk to Mark, talk to your mom, hell, talk to Charlotte. Is there a group or some kind of book club or SOMETHING you could find to join and maybe meet some real life three dimensional people? They might not give you everything that you need, but it might help.

Love love love. Keep moving forward, it is all we can do.

Oh Jen.

You certainly have done some deep soul-searching here and seem torn between keeping this place in its original form, or working at it to transform it into a place that will afford you opportunities for more in-person community.

I'm not going to lie, the latter does take lots of consistency and clarity of purpose.

But, if you want it, you CAN do it.

Whatever you choose, I hope it brings you happiness and peace.

Love,
Isabel

I'm a long time lurker to your blog and twitter. I am not a blogger. I am old school (lame) since I've just have a livejournal for many, many years. I think that all things internet have their ups, downs, back and forths. One giant circle. It's funny to me that people had diaryland journals then they were like, oh no, livejournal is cool. Then people migrated to vox then over to wordpress or blogger. Now people are using tumblr and twitter. Each time most people make these grand announcements how they are moving on... like they are in school moving to a new grade level. Is this bad? No. People change. Blogs are changing.

What am I babbling about? Sure some people have the "cool kids" blogs where they get many hits reviews etc. Some people like reading those. But there are others out there like me who would rather read blogs like yours. Personally, I see the whole commercialization of blogs to be like a pyramid scam. Yes, I read some commercialized blogs but I read those differently. To me it's like reading a magazine as opposed to reading someone's journal they are sharing with me.

If you enjoy blogging then blog what you want to write about. People will follow, or they won't. Perhaps you are going back to "Diaryland" in a way. What is old is new again. :)

Hi Jen,

I will say it again. I think you're lovely! Whether you decide to keep the blog going or not, you are funny and real. I have to admit that I don't comment often, but that is true for every blog I read, not just for yours. I always think that my small voice doesn't matter very much, but I guess sometimes it does.

I agree with the others, if blogging makes you happy, keep it going.

You are in my thoughts!

I could have written Laurie's comment verbatim. You are lovely, funny and smart. You are a real person. I had a repurpose post myself recently, and it was like taking a weight off my back, remembering who I was doing it for - ME. Whatever you decide to do, keep that you main focus.

xo.

I can provide only my personal story as an anecdote: as you know, after 9 years of personal blogging ... I recently decided to make my personal blog private. I still have my "branded" blog, the one that is more like a magazine with ads and sponsors, but when it comes to my personal stuff, my needs for validation, my private life laid bare, I just couldn't handle having it public any more.

And I will say this: making my personal blog private has changed EVERYTHING for me. I feel safe to write whatever I want. I feel freed from the feedback/validation loop of wondering "will they like this?" Only about 100 people I've approved by hand read my blog now ... online friends, real life friends, a few longtime lurkers who introduced themselves. It is SUCH a feeling of freedom and safety and like being in a big digital hug all the time instead of hanging out on a street corner waiting to see if someone will notice me as they stroll by.

I think what might be helpful is to think about what you want your blog to be: a money maker? A community builder? A safe place to explore emotional issues? For me, at least, I needed to separate the emotional/personal blogging from the money/branding blogging. It was too hard to be watching traffic/money/stats in relation to my personal trials.

Lotsa love...

Thank you for writing this. My blog has been on autopilot for months now, and I've all but given up trying to find my "niche." (Truth be told, I fear that I suck as a writer and that's the real reason I've never gotten any further with my blog than I have.)

Oh Jen, ugh. I know these feelings and I'm so sorry you have them right now. I think that the best thing any of us can do is step back and ask ourselves WHY am I blogging?

If you can answer that question, then you'll also know how you should blog, whether you should change your blog, and whether to keep blogging at all. Sometimes I feel jealous of things and then remind myself - wait, I wouldn't have wanted that anyway. I just would have liked the opportunity to turn it down! And really, that's not fair of me, is it. That's just the ego talking.

If you're here for the socializing then try to get more socializing in your life. From outside the blogworld. (Ozma is smart that way.)

But in the end, I think it's important to remember that your writing (and Yvonne's and other people question their relevance these days) means a lot to people. Can that be enough for you? For those people (like me) it sure is.

Jen,

I'm not sure what to say, or if what I say will come out right.

I love your blog and I love you. You are so real and honest and funny. You are the reason that I went to a therapist. You made it so that I wasn't ashamed to admit that I needed to talk to someone. I asked about medication because of you.

I have a blog that I have struggled with since I started it. I wanted to be like everyone else. The popular kids who have readers and make friends, I made a few friends but even then I wonder how "real" they are. Outside of the internet I don't really have many friends. I don't have the energy to put into meeting new people.

Really all I am trying to say is that you are not alone, I feel the same way too. And thank you for changing my life.

I see a lot of others have come here first to express the same words of encouragement. Jen, I've been feeling a lot like you have written here, and for me, it's heartening to know I am not alone. I hope it helps you to know you are not alone.

I wish I could come to BlogHer just to give you a hug in person, but I have a feeling I'd have to wait in line! :)

To piggyback on Isabel's comment, I think clarity of purpose is a key factor in blogging positively no matter what your objectives may be. I also think the diversification of purposes (writing, community, getting stuff) has caused many of us to doubt our own purposes. Why are we writing anyway?

I've had to remind myself of my own purposes many times over the years, especially during those periods when my disillusionment began to get the better of me. I'm fighting it right now, and it's tougher than ever since changing my domain, adjusting my focus, and deciding not to go to BlogHer. I worry not about losing opportunities to get stuff but about losing the community connections I've made.

I've looked to you and your fellow veterans of blogging - the women who had two or three years of writing under their belt - as examples of clarity of purpose ever since I began writing nearly four years ago. I will continue to look to you, in whatever incarnation your writing takes next.

I'm honored not just to be an admirer of yours, but a friend too.

xo

I was going to write that I truly believe the more you stress about the machinations of blogging instead of just sitting down to write what you want when you want, the less rewarding it becomes -- but then I read Ariel's comment and obviously she put a lot of thought into changing how she blogged and things changed for the better. So, you know, I don't know shit. But I do know I like you and your honesty.

Everyone has said such astounding things already. You do have a good group of people around this blog.

I have noticed a sharp drop in stats, as well. People read in their feedreaders and don't leave comments as often. I get told that I use Twitter wrong, as though there's a right way.

Inside, I've always been the kid who ate her sandwich alone on the edge of a group and watched everyone, and I feel like that in blogging, too, these days. Things are shifting, communities are changing, more people have taken on an almost corporate style of blogging. It's interesting to watch, but I do wonder how much of this actually affects me. Or you. Or the myriad others who, like us, prefer to write and share and photograph because we like to do it.

I'm finding myself not really saying anything in this comment, but you've got my mind whirring about a whole assload of topics now. I've wondered where to take my blog, too. Should it change? Should I shut it down? Why do I do it?

In the end, I always come around to just doing it, because I do love the space I have created there. I've decided to be less reflective about the act of blogging and the state of the blogosphere until people settle the fuck down.

Rambly, rambly.

You, I love. I want you to stay on the internet. I want you to find your space and voice and SING IT SISTER, and I'll help you do that in any way I am able, because we old blog dinosaurs need to stick together.

Girl, I love you. And I understand, totally. The whole thing has gotten so confusing and weird and sometimes BLECH and it's easy to forget where and why we started.

But end of the day it IS about love of writing and love of friends and if we just hold on to those things, then we're golden.

We really are.

jen - your's was one of the very first blogs I've ever read, and I have followed you faithfully since then.

I'm not a famous blogger (although I share a name with one), I get maybe 30 comments on a good day, I've only gotten a couple of free things (no trips...books and face firmer!)

I think that - no matter what - if your writing helps you clear things in your mind, it doesn't much matter how often, or if you get paid, or if you're part of the popular crowd (I'll hug you at BlogHer, I'll just have to find you!).

I'm just a fledgling little blogger. I started a year ago, but being busy with work and life, just don't post enough to gain a following. But I keep at it because I like putting my voice out there and being part of a community.

And writing should be something you do for you, whether that means changing to another blog where you're again anonymous, or staying here. I worry too about being "found out."

Sorry, that's a really incoherent comment. I enjoy reading you, and I would be sad to see you go. But you need to do what's best for you.

(I think hits are also down because of things like google reader- what about partial feeds?)

I've always liked you for being exactly who you are. If you ever decide to run off to some secret blog location I hope that you send a sign to those of us would be willing to come find you. You are too good to get lost.

I'll be honest and tell you that I don't have a lot to say about this. :-) Not helpful, I know!

I just don't really care one way or the other about the "integrity" of blogging, paid reviews, etc. I have Blogher and some other ads on my site because (1) they help pay for the domain hosting and other blogging-related expenses, as you noted; and (2) well, why not? They don't affect how or what I write.

I love to write, but I don't blog because I neeeeed to write. I've made some great friends online, but I don't blog because I want the community. Those are just perks. My primary reasons for blogging are recording our family history and keeping friends and family around the world informed about what we're doing. I include lots of photos in my posts because people want to see my daughter growing up, and I want to show her off--and because I love to take pictures. I don't blog anonymously at ALL.

That said, I completely understand why some people need to blog anonymously. And I think if someone wants to give you an iPod or a free trip to China because of your blog, more power to you! I'll read about it and cheerfully envy you and admire your photos.

Like I said, these thoughts are probably not helpful to you at all. :-) But I wanted to let you know I'm here. I'm reading.

xo

I've been lurking and following you (here and now on twitter) for years. While I technically have a blog, I don't write often, don't have online "friends" and don't feel the need to go to that part of the internet - I know it would take effort to become active in that community and I don't feel I have the energy - I don't want to open up the "am I popular/in the cool crowd" can of worms, in my own head. I read maybe 10 blogs these days - down a lot from a few years back. I should comment more, just so you great writers know I appreciate what you do, but again - that sometimes makes me feel I'm buying into the whole "game" - my intention while commenting is always just to show appreciation or support but I worry it will be interpreted as an effort to pimp my own blog/suck up to the cool kids...although I should say that I don't get that vibe from most of the places I (occassionally) comment. I don't know where I'm going with this, other than to say I see the anxiety this whole world can bring, even as just a blog reader, and not as a blog writer. I just hope you don't disappear completely - I'm hoping that if this blog goes missing some day, I'll be able to find you via twitter. I enjoy your writing, good luck with whatever you decide to do.

Aw, ya big sweetie.

I think Styro nailed it. Personally, having a job to go to every day is helping me bridge back to the real world after so many years at home with a little kid. It's also making me aware of some shit that was easier to avoid at home, and thank god for that. Do Canadians have Craigslist? Whatever you have, just start looking to see what's out there. You don't have to apply, you can spend six months thinking about it. Wow, I'm just sitting here telling you what to do, and you're sitting there thinking I'm full of shit! Awesome. Let's go buy some shoes on eBay!

Oh, Jen. I really don't know what else to add that hasn't been so eloquently said by everyone else.

I, too, get overwhelmed with it all. The Internet is a large and (sometimes) scary place.

Just do what you want to do and don't let the rest get to you.

Looking forward to seeing you again, lady.

xo

I've been lurking and following you (here and now on twitter) for years. While I technically have a blog, I don't write often, don't have online "friends" and don't feel the need to go to that part of the internet - I know it would take effort to become active in that community and I don't feel I have the energy - I don't want to open up the "am I popular/in the cool crowd" can of worms, in my own head. I read maybe 10 blogs these days - down a lot from a few years back. I should comment more, just so you great writers know I appreciate what you do, but again - that sometimes makes me feel I'm buying into the whole "game" - my intention while commenting is always just to show appreciation or support but I worry it will be interpreted as an effort to pimp my own blog/suck up to the cool kids...although I should say that I don't get that vibe from most of the places I (occassionally) comment. I don't know where I'm going with this, other than to say I see the anxiety this whole world can bring, even as just a blog reader, and not as a blog writer. I just hope you don't disappear completely - I'm hoping that if this blog goes missing some day, I'll be able to find you via twitter. I enjoy your writing, good luck with whatever you decide to do.

Ohmygod, Jen. I have a post similar to this in draft. I was too pussy to post it. But I get it. I've been writing for six year. I've been noticed and left behind for other more "talented" bloggers like those who can photoshop pictures. Or who post short posts because we just don't have time to read anymore.

My traffic is nearly half as well. I attribute it to my lack of posting, but when I do post, I try to write thoughtful, full entries.

Nobody has time to read that anymore with all the marketing going on. So. I guess I post for me. And I have to be ok with that.

I'll be your people! I was SO HONORED You "wanted to meet me" at BlogHer. WHen you told me that I almost DIED. Like, "Um, JEN AND TONICA KNOWS WHO I AM?!"

And that's not a lie. I was flabbergasted. XOXO

Sigh.

You know what I am really, really, really thankful for? Getting to finally hang out with you in Austin. Like, for real. Not totally swamped by others and even if it wasn't that long.

Now that we've had that, so help me you need to keep doing this. Because despite what you say, YOU ARE A WRITER and a damn good one. You have a COMMUNITY for better or worse and you are a part of that community. A very big part. A FOUNDING part.

We love you for YOU and for your rants and your wants and for your fantastic shopping skills.

For you. That's why we're here. And I'm sure as hell not leaving or giving that up. Just be you babe. Screw the numbers screw that climb to the top.

We have eachother and as far as I am concerned that's brought me way way way more than any free mop.

Sweetheart, you wrote about three or four times in this post that you hoped people wouldn't be mad at you. What the fuck for? I honestly don't see anything here worthy of anger on any part. You worry too much.

Honestly, aside from completely agreeing with Styro's advice, this is my take: Who the fuck cares about Internet people? I think you overthink things like how you'll be interpreted and what people will think and who is friends with who. I also think you make a grave mistake in giving a shit about BlogHer or any of that crap. I write my blog to write, to share observances and basically as a creative outlet -- it's not a way to build up readers or make friends or interact with people, aside from keeping up with you and a few other blog friends I made years ago. I do it for me, and I make it whatever I want to be at a given moment, which generally just means it's a creative outlet. I don't think making friends online is worth the effort. What is worth the effort is real life. Real people, real friends, real relationships, real hobbies. The Internet should be something you do in your spare time, not your lifeline and I'm afraid that too often that's what you make it. I think that's probably my biggest advice to you: Get off the Internet. And by saying that, I'm not saying quit blogging, I'm saying reduce your reliance on it. Cut the cord a little bit.

I don't know if any of this is helpful or hurtful (and you know I don't mean it to be hurtful). You've got my phone number if you ever want to talk.

Hi - That was a heart-wrenching and heartfelt post. Those are the very hardest to write.

I am not a regular reader, but that was so touching.

You can write so well...don't give up!

Michael

I only found this because Queen of Spain twittered it. I can understand some of the frustration - I've been blogging for four years and have never quite made it to the cool table (though I occassionally get a crumb from there). I can't really explain why I write, so I can't say why you should or not. But I can repeat the old truism - writing is easy, just sit down, open a vein, and let it flow. It ain't for everyone. Only you can know if it's for you.

Good for you for saying a lot of things some of us are feeling. Thank you.
I say you keep blogging for you, the way you want to, and I will do the same.
I often wonder why we need this validation, but I think it just comes with being human and finding the people that relate to you.

We've talked about this so you already know my feelings.

I think your blog rocks. Redesign or not.

I write for me.

Only for me.

And when it stops bringing joy and people like you into my life I will stop writing.

I can't tell you which path to choose, but I can tell you I will be here supporting you whatever the direction it is you decide to go.

You are one brave chicklet and I admire that tremendously.

Now get your ass in gear and drive east woman. There is a moose that is dying to meet you!

Hi there. I found your blog through Erin's friendfeed and it really struck a cord.

I had no clue about all the drama with the mommy bloggers until recently. Lack of sleep & meds probably don't help you being sensitive to it, but the whole cat fight thing also made me feel icky.

I happen to be Canadian, so I hear you about having to dig for opportunities. Anyway, just wanted to let you know I'm cheering you on along with others.

Hi- came to this from QueenOfSpain's twitter posting. I have worked on a lot of events; I remember the BlogHER girls posting to our SFWoW list the very first year and how it resonated and took off from there. I know *exactly* what you're talking about at conferences and such. The worst of the womens' conferences is the CA Governor's Womens Conf put on by Maria Shriver. Now, regardless of politics, she does an amazing job of including people. Sure there are celebs walking around in an untouchable bodyguard formation, but maybe because she is already secure in her position, she has no need to feel superior and will walk around alone and meet with people who are paying and contributing to the conf (most of the money goes to: security & charity!)

But the cliquey thing of women has been long noted by other women who bemoan the lack of women in technology, lack of women in board rooms and on the golf course making deals. We bond, we network, and the dark side is that we clique.

What I've found, after attending so many, speaking at many, and even having found myself when I'm tired being a little snippy, is that MORE people feel like you than DON"T. Sure there are always snobs and biotches at every event. There is always a cadre of beautiful people who seem to intimidate. Some of them are truly self-righteously arrogant (ahem *cough* real housewives series), but if you dig deep enough, you'll find that 9 times out of 10, that cliquey behavior is a mechanism of survival for women. Until fundamentals changes, this won't change. In the meantime, walk right up to that clique that looks interesting and judge for yourself if they're interesting enough to get to know. Dig deep enough and you'll find everyone has problems. Most are just better at hiding them :)

Jennifer, sweetheart,

You have been making me laugh, and weep, and cringe, and sigh - and covet shoes, too, for that matter, heh - for so many years.

Don't fret the stats; the bandwagon is overcrowded and attention is spread thin. I'm just a photoblogger, and I've felt this, too; I comfort myself, though, with my "service record" and especially with the lovely people - like you - that my place has brought me.

That's what counts, I reckon, in the long run: the dialogue. The quality-over-quantity dialogue.

I'm not a regular reader here, though I certainly wish I was. I would have been if I had known about your blog before I saw this link on Twitter.

I have similar issues with my blog. Not with ads, or with sponsored posts, though I've done both. But with traffic dropping, dropping, dropping.

We're in a transition here. As people spend more time on Twitter, Facebook, etc., it becomes more and more difficult to discover new voices because the nature of social networks on and offline (as you so aptly pointed out) is to group and begin to filter what one sees via the group. That's all fine and well, but it makes discovery of people like you harder.

I also struggled with anonymity. When I first started blogging, it was with a pseudonym (which ultimately became my domain), and then I 'came out' in 2007, spent most of 2008 doing a daily podcast with Steve Gillmor and many others where my full name was published in the show notes on a daily basis.

It didn't take long for my entire family to find my blog, and then find my facebook page, and then facebook opened up even more and...well, you know how that goes.

How on earth can I write what I'm thinking with the full knowledge that my family and even my extended family will read it. Ugh.

Here's the good news. We're moving toward having great tools with filters and the like that will actually allow great stuff, whether anonymous or under your real name, to rise and come to the attention of people with like minds who you don't currently know.

It's easy to start feeling competitive about blogging. After all, the tech bloggers live and die by the numbers. I don't think it has to be that way; in fact, I think it takes the joy out of doing it. So take a break. Breathe, do something else. Play on Twitter or Facebook if you want.

At any rate, I'm glad I found you and I'll hang out for as long as you want to write.

More than a year ago, I kept finding links to your blog and I kept following them and reading.

Then I'd close my browser window and not return until someone re-linked to something you wrote.

For some reason, I didn't feel like I could connect with your words - though, clearly, so many other people did.

Fast forward to the past, oh, six months, and I'm here all the time. I'm silent, yes, but that's usually because I have little time to comment and tend to read everything via RSS.

But your words resonate.

You may have lost readers - I don't know why or how or what (because I wasn't here, before).

But you have also gained some - even if some of us (okay, ME) aren't influential or the popular kids.

Keep writing, if you can, for the honesty you bring.

This post and the comments that have followed it are as strong an argument to keep blogging as anything else I can imagine, Jen.

I know the feelings you've articulated. I feel them myself. And while a free trip to Europe and inclusion in every blogger gathering that comes up would be nice and fulfilling, there's really no substitute for pouring your heart out in writing and having the people who love and support you rally behind you. You're loved.

Whatever you decide is best for you, I'll be rooting for you all the way.

I quit blogging in 2005 after my in-laws shared my blog with their entire side of the family, complete with commentary on how I was an unfit wife because I'd blogged about my long standing problems with chronic depression and infertility.

Honestly? While I adore reading other people's blogs (including, of course, yours!), I do not miss the stress of maintaining one myself. Yeah, it was fun to see the comments that people made. But it also hurt when I got a troll.

I'd say leave it alone for a while. See if you miss it. I know that we will miss you, but what really matters is that you enjoy it. If blogging isn't making you happy, and is instead adding another level of stress to your life? Stop. It's not worth it.

I've been blogging since 2003 and wrestle with feelings like this, every time I open my browser.

I mean, it's so hard to hear yourself through all the noise, right?

Still, I hope that all of these lovely comments help you to know that there are people who are reading you, loud and clear.

At the end of the day, write for you. I know, I do. Write for me, I mean.

Hugs!

Oh my God, keep blogging, woman. You know why? It's not entirely because of the writing (which is clear and full of heart and Canadian maple syrup goodness)(wait, you don't have the maple trees in your province, okay - all that tundra magnificence) or the glam of going to stuff or getting appliances for free (though we're all hollering with pride - "Go Mir with your badass Frigidaire shit!" Shit in the good way, of course) it's because you're JenB, someone we like to read because hot damn, we LIKE you. And, for all the crap we have to endure in this whack-ass world, it's great to turn to a blogger who is good and precious and, well, likable.

(My 8th grade grammar teacher Mrs. Myrtle Poier, is rolling over in her grave with that last paragraph and all those parentheses, including this one.)

I swear to you, Jen, there is a niche market for "likable". There is branding for likable. But, fuck the market and the branding and the reviews, freebies and happy corporate jaunts - what really defines an excellent personal/mommy blog is the journal aspect of it. It always, always, always comes down to that. You're loved for that, heck, I am too. When I blog, that is.

All righty then, I may not have done the job here as all the amazing people have done above - and these are folks who profess longtime Pro JenB sentiments, a righteous movement if there ever was one - but, by cracky dollin, you gave me something to blog about other than menopause and surviving child abuse, though I'll probably work those and other issues into that post.

Tell you what: I'll trackback my blog entry to make it all official and techy and as if you're like Andrew Sullivan, who is too fancy for comments, but will flaunt his popularity with the trackbacks. Turn that option on, if you can.

'Love you, most beloved woman, you.

Well, I don't know you at all - cyber or otherwise - but you did ask for feedback, and I'm very obedient.

I think it's important to value your writing separately from your blogging. Blogging is the open door, the perception of your reader is present and consciously or unconsciously, you are going for a reaction from that reader. Writing for self reflection is just for you.

So many of the recent woes I've been reading on so many blogs share the same story: "I used to write for me, now I write for you and it's all gone to shit"

It also seems that in many cases, when bloggers make a conscious decision to "amp up" their blog to increase its reward, whether that reward is money, publicity, social or emotional, they end up dissatisfied with the result, and that shows in the writing.

Maybe you should go back to writing for you - maybe that means starting fresh, maybe privately, maybe not. You don't have to lose your internet community - it's important to you and you wont be forgotten, you can rely on the myriad other other ways to stay connected through words and photos and tweets and updates and conferences.

Your blog should make you happy. If it doesn't, what is the point?

Sending good thoughts for clarity and vision - for all of us!

Jacquie

I am going to do something crazy here and not read the comments above me, since you want everyone's opinion. :)

I think it comes down to WHY do you blog and what do you want to get out of it? Are you doing it to be read? To be popular? To get free stuff? To connect to a community? To vent? To (fill in the blank here.)

ALL of those are valid reasons. But figuring out what you want out of this process will be the first way to get there.

I understand what it's like to feel invisible. I've been blogging since 1997, and I feel female bloggers are only popular if they have kids or are writing the "sad single girl" blogs (which have the happy ending of SHE FINALLY MET THE GUY!) Even when I wasn't married, I wasn't writing that way, and after I was married, since we don't want children, I don't fit into any nice, neat demographic. So I don't get pitched, I don't get free stuff, I don't get asked to conferences, and sometimes when I apply for blogging gigs I get told I don't know how to write for children 'cause I'm not a mom (even though I did for seven years and have two emmy nominations to prove it.) Could I change this? Probably. Do I really want to expend that kind of effort? Not really, which is why I have to be content with the level that I'm at. There's no sense bitching if I'm not willing to work to change it. (And I would guess half your traffic is probably my highest-ranked traffic day, ever.)

The way that I've found my community is by becoming a part of other people's communities. I think we forget that blogging isn't always ME ME ME but also YOU YOU YOU. Building a community means taking part in other people's communities. (I'm not saying you do or don't do this, I'm just posting it as something to think about.)

Good writing doesn't mean popularity and popularity doesn't always mean good writing, although they do sometimes go hand in hand. But if you'll allow me to be a tiny bit toughlove, don't worry about what other people have. Figure out what you want for yourself and go after it (or create it if it doesn't exist.)

xoxo

Yep, the bloggy world has changed, but the core of it? The reason we all started? It doesn't change. I blog so someone will say "Yeah. I get it. Me too.", so I don't feel like a doofus.

I'm not going to say that to you now, but I will nod my head vigorously and send you a virtual ((hug)).

First time reader and visitor here.

First thing I have to commend you on is that you may not agree with what everyone is doing out there but you aren't slamming them either. I am so sick of those kinds of posts that have been popping up over the last couple of weeks.

As with my blogs, I feel weird when people I know IRL read them. I just pretend they don't and that's how I work through that. I too have removed posts -- though I did it at the request of my inlaws who I slammed for not understanding my miscarriage. Instead of fighting with my husband, I just removed them (which goes to show they really didn't understand).

I've tried the IRL mommy groups. Honestly, I feel like an outsider in those. I have met so many more women online that I have in real life that can relate to me. I feel that is so much high schooly and cliquey than the online world.

Honestly, I think you just need a break. I've taken weeks of here and there, and you come back feeling refreshed. You really do. Take a break, come back, and then see if you can live without all of us. :)

Hi Jen,
I actually follow your tweets but haven't read your blog a ton (sorry, had to take a massive blog break for some time now), but I'm glad to read this.

I can relate to so much of your emotion, if not the part about knowing the details of semi-celebrity blogging. And I can definitely relate to your feelings of isolation, etc.

Supposing I have a point, I guess it's that most of us started blogging simply to have a place to write. Building a community became a bonus -- finding so many great people who truly like you for what you say will hopefully outweigh the negative sides of odd internet fame, cyberstalkers and grunts who just want to rage at someone.

Since you're a good, personable writer, I do hope that you continue to write, in whatever way is satisfying to you. Because that's the most important thing.

It's really lame to say "hugs," so pretend I didn't, okay?

I've been maintaining my site in one form or another since 2004. Sometimes that fact overwhelms me, and sometimes it inspires me. I love having a record of where I've been, and where I'm going. I love the act of putting mental thought to post form. I love the amazing and dynamic group of people I've been able to meet and grow close to over the years, and the ones I'm still meeting and getting to know.

I think writing online, in any form, is not without its inherent flaws and struggles, but if you're only blogging for the stats and the readership (which I know you're not, but I also know how easily it can become a focal point, and overwhelming), then you are never going to feel content or fulfilled, because readership waxes and wanes. Even the "biggest" and longest-running sites go through their own ebbs and flows. That's OK. More than that, it's to be expected, and celebrated because despite the chatter around you, you have the ability to be yourself, always, and to be consistent, and really, to be whoever you want to be. That's (hopefully!) the freedom and beauty in this type of perpetual forum.

In any event, I hope you can see by today's response alone that you are appreciated and loved. It matters that you're here. To so many people.

Ok, so here is the part where everyone will start hating my guts. But you asked for honesty, so...

I agree w/everyone who has already said that you can't let the internet be a substitute for actual, in-person interactions. And whether that is getting out and 'meeting people' or taking on a part-time job, you'll feel better having some face-to-face interaction. And I also have to second what Styro said and agree that I think you're the type of person (like me) who NEEDS interaction, even when they don't think they want it. Yeah, staying home and not working sounds great, but the reality is that unless you're a super-driven person (which I am not) it ends up being pajamas all day and lounging around and not getting anything done. And then you feel bad about the fact that you've not left the house in 72 hours and haven't brushed your hair in days and STILL the dust bunnies and dishes are piling up and then you feel even LESS motivated to do anything about it. My work schedule lets me work from home 3 days a week, which is perfect for me right now. I get that slack of being able to stay in pj's if I want to and skip brushing my teeth or whatever, but 2 days a week I have to put on my game face and don the costume of corporate America and get off my ass. And I'll grumble about it until the steam whistle sounds and I get to leave the mine at the end of the day, but it's actually a really good thing for me psychologically. And, I suspect, it's something that you might need, maybe without really knowing it. One of the best treatments for depression is routine. Especially (in my opinion) when it's not voluntary, like a job. Do I hate the alarm clock? Yes! BUT I *have* to go to work, so I push my lazy self out of bed.

Also, the extra time in solitude is allowing you to overthink things that in the Longview aren’t as important as they seem (like feeling 'popular' on the internet). And you've been very lucky to become close to several "internet people" who are immensely popular and get a lot of traffic and write books and review products and make a living off their ad revenue. But that isn't reality for most people. It's sort of like being the only 'civilian' with celebrity friends. You can't be hurt when they don't ask you to be the next Cover Girl spokesperson. It's not personal, you're just not Beyonce. And that doesn't mean you're not pretty or a great singer, you're just not #3 on the chart right now. And if you're making enough revenue on your ads to offset your costs, then you're already miles ahead of lots of other people. And if making money blogging is something you really want to do, then you need to get more serious about it. People like Dooce are an anomaly. She can post two words a year and STILL get a bajillion comments and page views. But for everyone else, they have to dedicate themselves to it. They set aside time to write frequently and to develop content that is relevant and interesting. Which is all harder than it sounds. (And also not something that I do. I am in year 6 of a personal journal that is occasionally of interest to family/friends but not many other people, so don't look at me as an example.) If what you really want to do is be a product reviewer, then you have to build your reputation as one. Which is a tough thing to do in this day and age. It's a delicate line between adoring fan and corporate shill and readers are very skeptical and want to hear a fresh perspective, not just "wow, this expensive make-up sure is better than the cheap stuff!" And like Sundry said, the good writing will rise to the top. If you want to make sure that yours is always at the top, then that takes extra effort and focus and time (not to mention editing, which is one of my weakest traits, obviously). Make that your "job" and assign yourself tasks and deadlines. It sounds stupid, but it actually does work.

Long comment short: you don't have to abandon the internet OR real life, you can have them both. You're fortunate to have a lot of 'internet famous' friends, which you shouldn't compare yourself to -- it's apples and oranges. They're no 'better' than you because they get more comments or book deals. It's ok to feel a little envious about the freebies that other people get (hey! I'd love a free trip to the Olympics too!) but you can't wallow in self-pity about not getting it. Not everyone wins the lottery, either. Make a routine for yourself, whether it's blogging for bucks or being a paper boy. Pushing yourself hurts a little (ok, a lot) but the more you do it, the better you'll feel.

xoxo

I've been reading your blog for years. You have a unique brand: YOU. Your posts are personal and revealing and raw, and that's what I find compelling about your writing. You are, like so many of us, an imperfect person struggling with the everyday; what makes you stand out is how intimately you write about your own experience in your own voice.

You post about your stresses and your anxiety and your struggle with depression, but you are always coming up with new ways to overcome these things: the surgery, the joy of watching your daughter grow up, the trips you go on with Mark, the awesome new bag (or other purchase), the trips to BlogHer.

I don't have any advice that hasn't already been given. After 4 years of blogging, I gave up about 1.5 years ago because I just wasn't into it anymore. You still seem into it, but you seem to be having an online identity crisis now that your family has found the blog. As for your stats decreasing, that's probably a combo of your recent sporadic posting and people generally reading fewer blogs these days.

I've been stalking you for a couple of years, especially since we met last year at BlogHer. I won't try to repeat what many others have said here, but wanted you to know that I do read. I love your blog. Yet, I also understand what you are saying. I could easily twitter all day in my jammies. You can have the sandwiches, though, I'll just heat up left over pizza.

Can I buy you a drink in Chicago? Because that face to face interaction with other bloggers is what I've come to crave.

HEY! I'm still here! I'm sort of glad I'm not an "in kid." Not that I'm an "out kid." I'm just sort of.. a kid. I don't always comment but I almost always read. xoxoxo

Wow. I left the Internet world last summer after a two years for many of these reasons -- mostly, because my anonymity was busted.

I missed it, which is why I'm back with a new site, which has three readers and is not part of Blogher. During my time away, I also read fewer blogs. I missed that too.

Surely, all the annoying issues get to you, but in the end hopefully it's about connecting with people (even though they are faceless) in an honest way.

P.S. Don't go away! I've always loved your site.

What attracted me to this crazy blogging world was the feeling of not being the only person who has experienced one thing or the other.

I don't deal with any sort of branding or advertising, so I really don't know what to say about that. I do know that I like the "real" people. The people who make me think or laugh or even cry. The people who tell their story...whatever that may be.

Thank you for telling your story.

Dude, if blogging makes you feel isolated, sad, angry, envious (in a damaging way), or anything else that negative, drop it and don't look back. Seriously, it's not worth it to let this once-positive outlet drag you down the rabbithole of despair. If you miss it and/or can find a way to reinvent yourself that leads to blogging as a fulfilling hobby (rather than a lifestyle/career), that's fine too. The decision you make now doesn't have to be the permanent, final decision for now and forever. People will be here for you when/if you come back, and we will still love you while you're away. You need to do what is good and healthy for you in THIS moment, and to me it sounds like blogging is nothing but trouble if you keep trying to fight it.

You take care of YOU, lady.

you know I've been here with you for a long time. I get a dozen or so hits daily and most of them are mistakes. I get one or two comments per post. I used to care but I don't anymore. I write because otherwise the shit would blow right out my earholes and I have to relieve the pressure.

Sorry you're down. I hope it balances out for you soon. This on-line thing is weird but it has its place - and then there are places it does not belong.

drop me a line sometime. It would be good to catch up.

I've probably been reading your blog for 5 of the 7 years you've posted (and religiously read your archives too) yet I rarely comment and am kicking myself for it. I can only offer my opinion, which is that compared to only 2 or 3 years ago there is simply too much out there these days. I used to keep a mental blogroll of 5 or 6 blogs I would read several times a week. Now my bloglines lists about 200 blogs that I genuinely love, but in my 5 minutes of free time these days I'm torn between posting on my own blog and reading my favourite people.

So, in conclusion I don't think it's a reflection on you, just the blogging world needing to find more of a balance.

I would examine what you think you need from your blog. I long ago decided that the $6 a month from ads on my blog would not deter me from chronicling my life here as an Expat in the States and more importantly my crazy girls. I am still happy to blog knowing it is cathartic to me, and hopefully a worthwhile endeavor for my daughters, and once in a while I get a comment or a shared experience that makes my day.

I hope this gives you some of the props you need. You and my friend and ex next-door neigbour, Fussy, are the reason I started writing in the first place, so thankyou and please if it works for you at all keep writing.

Love, Alison

I have never commented but I always read. It is always hard to strike a balance between being anonymous but safe or out there and vulnerable. I think you should keep going and remember that the things you may think are potentially hurtful might not be so bad. You are a very sensitive person and that is a good thing. It also means though that you might be assuming your words are worse than you they are. Having said that, you need to do what makes you feel okay.

I am a Canadian blogger in Calgary and I like that you represent for those of us with "the Northern touch" LOL

I enjoy your candor, your insight, your honesty and you vulnerability and I follow your life with hope and compassion. You are much better than you think you.

I love you so much. I continue to read because your vulnerability is honest.(whereas there are some folks out there who blog in a really whiney way where they try to get pity.) The difference is that when you struggle, you do so not because you want pity, but because you want respectful support.

The various concerns you mention are frequently seen as something that should cause shame, and yet they most certainly aren't - and by documenting it here, you are - to slip into MTV mode - "keeping it real."

Honestly, my web traffic has taken a huge hit too. And I must admit that I don't read blogs nearly as much -- because I see what people are up to on Twitter.

I've come to use Twitter as my primary social medium. Sure, I'll click on a blog-post-link if it catches my fancy, but most of the time I "catch up" with my bloggy friends via their tweets - alas, this means I'm not reading their full blog posts all the time. (Used to be I HAD to go to their blog to "catch up.")

I think a lot of bloggers are finding the shift towards Twitter and other quicker social media to impact the full-length post readership.

And yet - I don't "follow" many people for whom I can't then go to their blog for the full story. So it is a double-edged sword!

Hey, Jen. I have a few thoughts.

First, I will let you know that I won't be linking to this post only because my readers are mostly non-bloggers! They won't "get it".

These comments are probably very interesting (the first one was and she made some great points) but I don't have time to read them all.

I do relate to some of what you said. Mom bloggers are very cliquey. And there are plenty of popular bloggers who are popular only because they made their way into a clique by being sycophant commenters to more popular bloggers. I noticed this years ago when I used to blog elsewhere. There are plenty of popular bloggers who are not great writers. Even Dooce is not that great a writer. I have read a ton of her blog posts and her book and her book contains a major literary problem called "de-emphasis via hyperbole". She relies on it for humour but it's so exaggerated that it's hard to know when to take her seriously and lend cosmic support and when to just laugh it off. And a good writer should be understood, not confusing.

Two years ago, this really bothered me. Now, it only bothers me for two minutes every now and then.

I think I'm coming to accept that luck exists and that's life. For example, Courtney on C Jane Run @ blogspot.com is not a bad writer but I wouldn't say she's a GREAT writer at all. I have non-writer friends who are just as good, in my opinion. She is very popular because she's got a good sense of humour, can write well enough, has a pretty blog, and got a *TON* of exposure after her sister nearly died in a plane crash. They were on The Today Show and on and on. Had that not happened, her blog wouldn't be nearly so popular. Extreme scenario, but stuff like this happens in smaller ways all the time.

I've accepted the fact that I may never write a book. I may never get exposure. I MADE A DECISION to not write because I want to make a ton of money on my blog. There's so much of a saturation in this market and I didn't start six years ago like you did. My blog is less than a year old.

I made a decision to change my expectations. Now, if I get a review offer (haven't had any good ones) or if someone wants to buy ads on my blog (only happened twice), I'm pleasantly surprised.

I write to practise my writing. I write for my friends and to receive their feedback. I write to gain courage to pursue other avenues like magazines. I write to get it out of me. I write as therapy. I write to share my beliefs. I write to laugh and to make other people laugh.

My husband reads my blog, some friends read my blog and that's been good enough.

However, with more people reading and commenting, it has changed my expectations so that when those people stop, I do feel let down. But, then I just re-adjust my expectations.

The thing that helps me to not worry so much about pissing people off or not worry about not being accepted by all the popular girls is:

1. Knowing that a couple of people, whose opinions I really value, think I'm great. That's good enough.

2. Knowing what I believe in and not compromising those beliefs to be liked more.

3. Not taking things personally. This is one of the most important lessons I've ever learned in my whole life. It's not about me. Everyone has a different opinion of me. Everyone has different opinions on different posts, difference sentences, even! So, who is right? None of them. It's all relative. I decide what I want to believe about myself and I weigh it up against what a few select people think: my husband, my best friends. What anyone else thinks of me is pretty close to irrelevant. I am secure and confident in who I am, 90% of the time. Further validation is icing.

I could say more, probably, but it would be a huge essay and I'm not sure how well I can even connect it all together. And I'm tired. And I have to phone Bell AGAIN.

Totally hear you on the Canadian stuff, too. Being out here in Alberta makes it tough.

Good for you for being so candid. You cannot worry about pissing other people off. You're entitled to your feelings and opinions-- we all are. Anyone who gets mad at you is not very self-secure.

Chat me up some time if you want to talk further on this.

The only way to enjoy this game is to do it for yourself and no one else. Period. Blogging has evolved into something else in the short years that I've been on board and while I often get discouraged and frustrated with how it's unfolding, remembering why I do it and saying f-that to why other people think I should be doing it, keeps me focused. Screw the people who distract you from feeling good. Stay honest and true.

I'm with Styro and Eden - getch'er ass out of the house! You're bored! You're too smart to sit there all day and do nothing.

And hey - doing something new will give you something new to write about.

I have so many things I want to say and I know I won't have the time to write them all down but god dammit! I will try!

I think we have a tendency (humans, not just bloggers!) to forget that there's a whole big world outside of our own. I know that I've done this before online and off. I've done it at jobs, my personal life, and online. It's the situation where you get so wrapped up in your own section of the universe you forget that it's far, far greater. Whenever that happens, sitting back and gaining a little perspective helps me. (I call it "Visiting India". I have always wanted to see India. And every time I start forgetting about the massive world around me and selfishly get wrapped too much in my own relatively small one, I visit India. I know it sounds silly, but it helps me greatly.)

There's a great big world out there, far greater than the people you have come to know online and off, so instead of getting frustrated and quitting entirely, maybe branch out a bit more? Experience new online faces, they are out there!

Also, regarding writing or not writing: well, instead of suggesting what I think you should do, because, really it's your decision in the end, I'll talk about my feelings. I write whenever I have time and something inspires me to do so. I find that things are far better when I stick to my own voice and don't get too wrapped up in what others are doing. I realized some time ago (and I hope that I don't piss anyone off!) but keeping up with my blogging peer group is a job in that of itself on top of the actual writing part. It's all about marketing in a sense. You have to follow and know what your peers are doing at almost all times, reflect, respond, reTweet, comment, link to it—the list goes on and on. And it works so well for some people! Some folks are awesome at it. I am not one of those folks. I used to wish I were, but it's far too exhausting for me now that I chase a toddler around all the time. So, I just do what I do and will continue to do so until I run out of business entirely. (Or steam!)

Jen, I wish we had had a chance to actually meet. I think we'd get a long wonderfully. And I would probably pass you in the contest of self-deprecation!

Buck up, camper. Do this only until you feel no more joy. Most of all, don't exhaust yourself.

Oh, and yes, I suddenly found I was 10 hundred billion times happier once Emory got older, I became more secure with my new mom job, and I got outside to meet other moms.

Blogging has suffered because of it, by my brain chemistry has not.

Holy shit. I cannot tell you how much I feel you. I can relate to so much of what you are saying. I just went through something similar.

I will have been blogging for 6 years this year. I fell in love with blogging through Mimi Smartypants, Finslippy, Fussy, etc..(The lovelies who lead me to you!) and when I started my blog they all felt like my community. I had no idea I was one small drop in the pool and when I wasn't getting feedback from them or comments it was lonely.

I certainly don't resent anyone their success. I have since found my online niche and I am so grateful to have such an amazing support. While my ads amount to nothing I keep them despite criticisms I have received. I took them down a little while back due to some of the stirred up drama and because I wasn't making much anyway. That was during a hard time economically for me and when I got my last check for $14 wouldn't you know it helped put gas in the car and get us enough food to make it to Friday that week. We would have gone without if it didn't come in. I put ads back up the next day. To me it helps justify blogging to me.

I have yet to go to BlogHer and of course I'm jealous. It's hard to see your friends all together having fun without you. I have never met a single one of my blog friends in person. There don't seem to be many east coasters currently. I'm also really annoyed to hear people talking about cliques because I think you create the environment you want. If you want to feel like an outcast and like no one likes you then that is what you'll see. I can't wait till I finally get to meet my friends and I know that will make the wait worth it.

I'm with you on the real life friends too. I broke up with my partner of almost 7 years in 2007 and it really sucked. I lost all my friends because of it and I was guarded to begin with. Right now it's often just me and my current girlfriend and while we have a great relationship that isn't easy. I don't have any best friend figures and I do rely on the internet for that...

It's just hard to put yourself out there and I have no idea how to take the first step.

I wrote at SparklieSunShine.net for the first 5 years of blogging before moving to LostinSplendor.com and making the move was really scary for me, but at my old site I felt naked all the time. Everyone knew that address and I felt very censored.

I made the choice to move blogs and I decided that my new site would be entirely my own, that I wouldn't censor myself for anyone. I had a very small readership and I was panicked that no one would follow me...they did.

I'm still thrilled when I get more than 5 comments to a post, but it's been working for me. Sometimes a change is just what you need.

I got the new domain (well and a new computer too) and things online just feel brighter.

Twitter has been helping me feel more connected and I'm really trying to put myself out there.

I was so ready to quit almost every other day for a year and a half, but I stuck it out and I'm so glad I did. This community isn't something I'm ready to leave.

I hope you stay Jen. I feel like I haven't really gotten to know you yet!

beautiful jen, i run in different blogging circles than you but i experience some of the same feelings that you describe here. i suspect we all do to varying degrees and i especially know what it is like to be stuck over here in the middle of nowhereland (because i too live in edmonton) and it is expensive to travel to visit my blogging friends though i manage in bits and spurts when i can.

i think i started reading you a good 5 or 6 years ago and have always stayed enthralled with your writing. i just wanted to say that because even though i don't comment much, i am here cheering you on ... hugs and peace, xo

I've been reading your blog for years but rarely pony up to comment because I'm a slacker.

Writing consistently is HARD. Particularly if you feel like you don't have thousands of people hanging on your every word.

I recently got my feelings hurt because no one (well, VERY few) participated in a contest I did on my blog and I was convinced everyone hated me and I should just quit. But I found out that they just like to read, to absorb, to be passive. And that's fine.

It's just hard sometimes to consistently be out in the sun for everyone to see. But I find it's worth it.

Please don't go - I'd miss you!

Jen - I'm not a blogger, but I am a regular reader who is feeling a bit guilty for not delurking sooner.

I recognize much of myself/my life in you/yours.

I appreciate the rawness, the realness, in your writing.

I'm listening, have been for years. Total lurker though, sorry.

Jen,
I am sorry to hear you are feeling these mixed emotions and are unsure what to do next. I am THRILLED that so many other people have left comments to show support (and how loved you are).
Here's my two cents. Just be yourself and do this for the reasons you want. Have you asked yourself "why" you are writing? It should be for you first.

As I said recently to a friend who questioned how I had time to update my blog with everything else life throws at us...I said, honestly, "The day it becomes too much or a chore, I will give it up."

For me, it is just good to get things off my chest (I try to keep mine light...have a look...maybe it will give you a smile and we all need more of those!) and also just have a bunch of memories to look back upon one day.

I wish you well.

Take Care,
Lynda
http://whirlwindblogger.blogspot.com/

girl. I love you. It's gotta be real and it's gotta be from you and you have to stop second guessing yr beautiful self. Like fer real. I would stand under yr window right now all Llyod Dobler style if my ass was in Cananda. I would play you love songs and carry you around on my back like some freakish "footprints in the sand" poem. I would. xoxoxoox

If we're honest - we're all voyeurs here. I think the time you spend agonizing over your readership should be spent living life. Enjoying it not chronicling it for the edification of a hypercritical and mostly anonymous readership. And having said that, we should all go out and enjoy the beautiful spring evening. The internet isn't real life.

Listen to all of those incredible people up there.

They didn't all agree, but there were enough thoughtful comments to keep you pondering for days.

Pick something. Try it on. If it doesn't fit, try something else.

Your bravery in this post and in so many others continues to take my breath away. Find that thing that does the same for you.

Okay, I had to stop reading comments because I turned 60 somewhere in the middle of going through all of them, but wow -- you have a community that loves you here. I know you know that, even if there are occasional dramas in that community, and (like sisters) everyone doesn't always get along.

I was very gung ho on blogging for years, and then I blasted onto Twitter and the randomness of it suited the "listy" way I tend to write. So I blogged less.

Then I fell in love after years of idiotic experiences with men, and spent my blogging time talking to the boy. So I blogged less.

Then we started this whole nonprofit thing and I had to write for that, and promoting it and planning it took time. So I blogged less.

Then I got more work on top of my work, and was worn right out. So I blogged less.

I only realized a couple of weeks ago that blogging wasn't just something I did with time that I wasn't using in some other way. Blogging was writing and venting and dreaming and wondering and laughing and a good thing for my heart and soul.

So I'm squeezing it back in there. But even though visits are consistent, comments are not, and it seems like maybe no one cares anymore if I have much of anything to say, when they seemed to before.

I curse myself for caring one way or the other, and tell myself to do it for ME, for the exercise of it, for the few people who make it into a conversation with me.

You have been one of those people. You were one of the blogging "heroes" I had that actually saw me or listened to me or linked to me or voted me for blog awards.

You really seemed to get me, in a big way.

I know for a fact that you have been that person for hundreds of other women, whether they told you or not. You are someone who makes everyone feel safe and included and at home, and that kept me going when I was first starting out, and it keeps me trying to reestablish things now.

I do love you, Jen. I would miss you more than you know if you weren't a part of my life, digital or otherwise.

I'm another one whose blog has been on "autopilot" due to real and personal issues getting in the way. You were absolutely my first real blog crush, and when you noticed me I got all squealy, and I love you to this day. I totally understand. I hope you take that away from this, and all these comments--that so many of us really do understand.

Keep it up, Jen. It's obvious you've struck a chord, with your readers, and with yourself.

I think the drop in everyone's traffic is due to Facebook and Twitter as much as anything. I used to connect with friends on my blog, now I do it on Facebook, and I use Twitter because I'm too lazy to do anything other than 'instant blog' in 140 characters. And I certainly know about an Internet identity crisis - I started up the theblablab after the Lexi.net conference (where you and I met) where I got tired of explaining to people that no, doctortongue.com is NOT a porn site.

A big part (I'd even say the biggest part) of why your readers come here is because they feel a connection to you and your life, for whatever reason. Who cares if you're not one of the cool kids? I still maintain that all bloggers have issues, but so the hell what? You've made online friends who genuinely care about you, and are honestly interested in how you're doing.

Online friends might not be the same as in-person friends, and most of us who have commented here could likely use way more time out in the real world (or maybe that's just me), but I've met some great folks through my square-headed girlfriend, as well as my last two actual girlfriends.

There might be better ways to spend your time, but there are far more worse ways.

Oh, Jen. I love you and I don't want to see you go. The other night I was so lonely and you sent me the sweetest message via Twitter that made my heart smile. I'm thankful that you're one of the friends I've met through this crazy community.

80+ comments and no one has said that you can't stop blogging because the awards show live-blogging would be too great a loss. (And these people claim to be fans!)

In all seriousness I am glad that you put this out here. I agree with others who say the blogosphere is changing rapidly and we're all trying to figure out how to adapt. I just wrote a very similar post and my own decision was to replace the passion I once felt with bare-knuckled discipline. I will post once a week, period. By doing this for a little while I'm hoping that the passion will be rekindled. And if it isn't then I'll know that it's really over and I can move on without regret.

I also want to echo others who have emphasized what a special and important voice you have. You have touched me so often with not just your story but the way you tell it. Your humanity shines through in a way that makes people connect to you and through you to others. I really hope that you continue to write because I think that you are an amazing storyteller. But if you decide that the bad outweighs the good then definitely find something else that makes you feel good. (As long as you stay on Twitter.) xoxoxoxoxox

Kiss kiss.

Still read you after all these years. I don't write anymore and I agree with so many above in regards to where blogging is going.

If you take a break, you'll still be on my reader if and when you come back.

Go enjoy summer. Try the non-internet based world for support for a couple months and come back if you get bored (or need more love).

I agree with Meg's comment about the purpose of blogging - "Blogging was writing and venting and dreaming and wondering and laughing and a good thing for my heart and soul." Blogging has helped me discipline my random wandering mind. My thoughts are strangely cleared by having to organize them into English. I think that the same thing happens for you, which is why you shouldn't give it up (aside from the obvious joy you bring to myself and all the others above).

There is a void in the Canadian online market for a fashiony/cosmetics review site. I think you could do it. I don't know what the road looks like between here and there, though.

I wound up with so much to say (too much, per usual) so rather than bog your site down with my text, I put it on my own.

http://thisisnotachair.ca/blog/?p=569

XOXO

The only thing worse than blogging is not blogging. Trust me on this one.

Hi Jen,
I have been checking your site for years and I do think you have a unique and interesting way of writing. I find myself laughing out loud sometimes, and wanting to reach out and hug you others.

I have recently started a blog to chronicle my weight loss journey. I have been working through the idea of placing ads, what to write about, should I get too personal.

I think a blog should provide you with some kind of outlet and hopefully draw a community to you. How cares if it is a cyper community if that is what you need and can cope with.

Check me out at seebettyrun.com
hugs
Rebecca

Dear Jen, i need to preface this by saying that im writing this in the middle of the night, in the dark, on my ipod, under the duvet like my 11 yr old with his flashlight and asterix comic books. I am realizing how blogging satisfies different needs for us all. I think everyone is looking for validation and belonging & the internet can giveth and taketh away. I dont know what its like to have traffic on my blog. The only people who read mine are my mother in law and my aunties! I cant imagine the pressure that would come from strangers reading my diary. I guess thats why i dont comment much. Its not because what you write isnt interesting, funny, or relatable. Its because, dude, im reading your DIARY and i feel like im spying on you as it is and i dont want you to FIND OUT! Anyway.... I dont understand internet popularity... I have 8 followers on Twitter and one of them is Jack Layton and well, he'll follow ANYBODY. :D.
I like reading your diary, Jen. Fuck everybody else.

I am a longtime reader of yours - yet have never posted. All I can tell you is that your story - specifically, your struggle with depression and anxiety - is a story worth telling. I am the wife of a man with crippling depression and your words/descriptions/explanations/ have enabled me to be more compassionate and more kind in my interaction with him.

I can't advise you as to what you should do about an on-line presence. It seems that its causing you more grief than its worth. But, please know, your words have not been in vain.

Jen, you're a beautiful soul. I haven't said that enough to you. One of the only truly Good people I know. Not that I'm implying that I know a lot of "Bad" people, but rather that there is something special about you that radiates real, honest to fucking god Goodness. And I know you well enough to know that you'd never intentionally hurt or offend anyone, so fuck a bunch of whoever would get offended by this.

Anyway, we all feel this way you're talking about here to some degree or other at different times, don't we? I spent most of my life being an outcast, weirdo, being made fun of at school... I will never feel like I fit in or belong, never. There's always some part of me that will feel like an outsider, that will wonder when everyone's going to figure out what a complete dork/nerd/weirdo I am and cast me off. And I hate HATE cliqueyness and all that bullshit and I'm glad to have friends across all "tribes" and layers of our community. I think you have that too. People love you, Jen, and see you for the beautiful soul you are. It's okay to not fit in. We can not-fit-in together, perhaps? :)

I'm rambling, but in conclusion I hope you'll keep blogging. Get a new domain. Hell, do something blogspot-y. Tell the people you trust, remain anonymous otherwise if that's what will be best. But don't stop writing, talking, sharing, connecting. Everyone needs that. And we'd all be losing a lot, a fuck of a lot, if you went away.

xoxo

I'm reading, I haven't commented enough (probably only to win stuff) as I am a greedy shit. I like your honesty, your 'warts and all' writing. Do what makes you happy. I'm trying to tell myself that one.

Jen, I just think you are funny and I love your honesty and frankness and think you kick ass in your own way. If it is causing you pain and stress, please take a break but know that we will all miss you! I love reading your tweets in the middle of the night when Stella insists on a 3AM poop and you're not skinny and I love that because neither am I and you are so different from me but I love that too. So take a break if need be but try and fine some kinda way back.

hoo boy are there things in here I can SOOO relate to.

BUT, I realized some time ago, that I'm here for ME. Yes, I like comments and yes, I like stumbles and yes, I LOVE meeting amazing, amazing people (like you, of course)...at the end of the day, It's for me. I am here to write. I am here to chronicle my children's lives. I am here to vent, to be frustrated, to get my words out. and that's why I continue to do it, even if I'll never write as well as MamaTulip and I'll never be as funny as The Bloggess and I'll never be as popular as, well, some popular bloggers.

and i'm totally okay with that.

love you!

Reeling from the impact of your post and the comments.

I think that for all the talk about community it really comes down to self and specifically how this whole thing makes you feel. It's great to make other people feel joy or understand pain, but at the end of the day it's your heart and your spirit that need to be sustained, whether it's through the blog, interaction face to face or solitude.

I hope you can identify what makes you feel the most at peace with yourself and hold on to that.

just got to you - from blog land far away. You have expressed all my insecurities about blogging so well...only I never blog about them because I feel silly. But the envy is real and present at times. So is the desire to keep blogging. I hate it when my darker angels take over, tell me I'm not enough and make me question my "status." I am an overthinker by nature. I am connecting with you here, I think.
okay, I want to return to more of your posts but I have 4 kids 5 and under here (2 are borrowed) and there is about to be some sort of playground riot. Seriously, the are coming towards me with torches...ack!

I would classify myself as a "reader", since my own paltry blog (which i will NOT post a link to) is fledgling at best.

I think you have to decide what YOU want out of blogging. Many bloggers seem to just not care about the reaction to the blog, the sheer therapy of writing something for nameless people to read or not read is the important part. The caring or not caring about what ppl think should be your first choice.

Human nature divides us into cliques, regardless of whether that's fair or not. High school in-crowds, college sorority bitches, office politics, playground mommy nazis... no matter what, cliques happen. Your friend who says "find your people" is correct-- everyone has a niche, a collection of kindred spirits that can be found in any community or social group. If you are going to be a part of this blogging community, it follows that you must then find where you fit.

you seem torn between annoyed jealousy of other successful bloggers, and annoyed guilt at yourself for begrudging them their success-- if you're jealous, fine, BE jealous. then figure out if you want to compete, and beat them at the game, or bow out gracefully. In my humble estimation, a blog strangers want to read is entertaining or informative in some way. If you write as a therapy for yourself, your blog doesn't necessarily accomplish either of these, and would require efforts to push it that way, OR-- you just keep blogging for you and not care what readers or advertisers think.

I am a terrible commenter, but I have been reading you since before Charlotte was born. I love both the picture posts and the long wordy ones... I hope you stick around, who cares about all the other stuff. Blog if you want to, and how you want to, and those of us still reading will count ourselves lucky to still be able to 'know' you. :)

Wow. This is my first time here (Thanks QueenofSpain for tweeting!) and loved the post. I couldn't possibly hope to contribute anything different from the *ahem* MANY comments above and am sure that you are sick to death and overwhelmed reading them all, so I'll keep it short.

Why stop doing this if you love it? You've been doing it a long time so I'm not sure if you could go back to looking at things like a newbie, but while I read yr post I couldn't help but think, "wow! I am so blissfully unaware of all this controversy!" I was getting anxious just reading about the concerns you have about cliques and being excluded, etc. And then had to scroll so far down to leave a comment that I wondered what you could possibly be excluded from! :) It seems to me that you should do what feels good and just try to not let all that other stuff bother you. (I know, I know! Easier said that done!)

Anyhoo, just my 2¢ thrown into this big, boiling pot. I hope you stick with it, though, because now I'm going to be stalking your site!

I'm not brave enough to have a blog. I don't think my life is interesting and can't imagine anyone would be interesting in reading about me. But I read every word you write and take great comfort in knowing that my struggles are not so different from yours, and by extension, lots of other people out there. Thank you so much for having the courage to share your ups and downs with us. Please keep pressing on with what you do. We are reading and learning from you. And we're fortunate to be able to do so. Sending hugs to you as you struggle through your difficult decisions.

Jen, you and I have met and even chatted a little I think, (our circles of friends overlap, I know) but I'm still always amazed when you reply to one of my tweets. I've always seen you as one of the better bloggers on the 'net.

I'll tell you that just over a year ago, I was flying high on stats and notice. I felt like one of the semi-popular girls for the first time in my life. I knew I wasn't the best writer out there, but I had comments, people liked and cared about what I wrote, and I hoped that I was finally more than just mediocre for once.

Something happened in the last year, though. My traffic is down by 1/3, soon it will be nearly half. I don't get the big offers, although even many of the women I've considered the best blog writers aren't getting the great PR offers, either. I've also felt a lot of jealousy and felt like I've clearly lost my spark and no one finds me interesting anymore. See? I'm even rambling now.

I guess I'm saying that despite all that, I keep writing. I do it partially for me, and partially because I could never quit the small group of friends I've made online. My advice to you would be much the same. It would be a shame to no longer see you on Twitter or stop by your blog. If there are still people you like interacting with, and you still like writing for yourself, keep writing and to hell with the rest of it. And I hope I'll see you at BlogHer this year.

so much of this i could have written. i feel very similar to you.

i'm hoping blogher will help with the funk, though i still have not made any plans to hang out with anybody...

You ARE the cream.

You have always been one of the "cool kids". When I started blogging you were one of the them and as far as I know you still are.

Selfishly, I don't want you to stop. Selfishly, I want you at BlogHer so that we can hang out.

But I also wish you wrote more like you used to.

Not that I don't get it. I do. If you quit tomorrow I would still want to be your friend. I would just miss Jen and Tonic. It is a blogging institution as far as I am concerned.

I see and feel a lot of this going around. I suffered a blog breakdown of sorts this winter/spring when my stats plummeted. It hurts your ego. It really does.

I wrote this horrid, angst-filled post about it, and then I felt better.

I'm trying to write like I used to, but like you I have family who now read and some who don't know about it and some who know and don't read ... ack, it's a mess.

Don't mean to tell my story here, just sayin' I think I get this.

My advice? Take the summer and take it easy. Enjoy the sunshine and your Charlotte. Relax. And see how you feel when the leaves start to turn.

It's clear to one and all that you would be missed.

Maybe I'm an idiot or have been out of the blogging world for too long but I don't understand how anything you said here could piss anyone off.

I have been a fan of your blog since 2005 I think and then when I met you in 2006 I immediately adored you. You are a wonderful mix of hysterically funny and charming with a hint of "don't fuck with me, K?" I love you to pieces.

I think you are wrong and that you ARE a writer. You may have lost some of your motivation, and there's nothing wrong with that. If ye olde blogge ain't paying the bills, it's hard to devote a lot of time and energy on it. On the other hand, you're blog has been remarkably popular in the vast sea that is the blogosphere. There's a reason for that.

I respect whatever decision you make but I say, keep writing, be yourself and fuck what anybody else thinks.

I know that you are top of the field. I have tons of theories about what's going on in the blogosphere during this difficult middle school phase in it's development. Twitter is hurting blogging, feedreading hurts traffic numbers, and these new corporate voices are slogging the place with billboards. The lack of a decent compensation model sucks. And now that it is out of early adopter phase,early adopter types are hungry for something less tainted. The question is to create it online or is it somewhere else? The strategist in me says stay,after this crappy zitty phase it's going to get cool again. Or park, take a sabbatical and come back. The good thing is you really can't make a wrong move.

I'll be damned if I can figure out what I should do next at any given time, so I feel completely unequipped to offer advice. That's a big cop out, actually, but it's the best I could come up with sitting here. I didn't want to not comment, though, becuase I am a longtime reader and I wanted to add my voice to the others in telling you how much I appreciate your blog and your voice and that I would miss you.

I have been reading you for years. I don't comment though. I am not a mommy blogger, I don't really know what you and I have in common other than we're both Canadian and we garden. I think I read because you are honest and true, I've always thought of you as a superstar blogger, and when I read the A-list of commenters you've got up there today I think wow, the only big name who I don't see up there are PW and Dooce.
Keep writing if it works for you. I agree with the commenter who says take some of these ideas, try them on, see if they fit.
Just keep moving forward ...
much love & respect
Kath

I know you're agonizing over this and I wish I could help. I'm not a blogger so I don't really have any useful advice for how to deal with that.

My advice would be to find out what you want from blogging. What you really, really want. What sustains you. It seems like you have the ability to have the kind of blog you want, you just need to figure out what that is. Once you know what you want I have no doubt you'll be able to achieve it.

Jen,

I've been dealing with a death in the family and have been poorly trying to respond even to your email. Please forgive me.

About this, I think you have a lot of excellent feedback though I stopped reading all the comments somewhere around number 20. So all I can add is this: write and then when you're really upset you should WRITE and then? When all is said and done WRITE some more. The community is still there and yeah, it's not easy to tell the difference from the writers and the bloggers and the greedy sons-of-bitches who are trying hard to make this lucrative. THOSE are the ones that leave a bad taste in my mouth.

You leave a good taste in my mouth. You are so real and honest and you're a writer.

xoxo

Your blog has always had such an honest voice, and every post that appears is a gem in its own way. Please do keep writing, if it helps you. Please know that there are so many of us who appreciate your voice and your willingness to share your stories.

I think you need to keep on writing if only for the honesty you inspire in others---just paging through the comments in this one post is something. I've met the mean girls, never the popular ones and I'm pretty sure I haven't a clue why the hell I'm going to BlogHer.

I told my sister about my blog and she quickly told my Dad and that was the end of any totally honest sharing on my part. Also? Backtype totally keeps me from commenting more fully than I used to.

Good for you for taking some time to think about what YOU want you do with blogging, and not making decisions in a funk or too fast.

If I could give you only 1 piece of advice it would be to think about what you love, what you love to write about, and build your blog focus from there.

The oft said cliche is "do what you love and the money will follow." Maybe it will, maybe it won't, but if you do what you love.... that can be reward enough.

Sweet sweet Jen.

There is nothing I can say here that hasn't already been said, and said well. So instead I'm just here to send you a good ole fashioned sloppy wet kiss.

And love. Also love.

Dude, you can't quit. Your style and your content might not be super mainstream, but that is what I love. I feel like you represent me, and what I would write if I had the balls to do so. Honesty makes a writer not fancy prose.

Jen,
I'm listening.

Hopefully the responses here encourage you to keep writing, without regard to the naysayers, the detractors or the ones that feel better by snubbing someone.
I've been reading your blog on and off since I came late to the blog reading part. I like what you say and how you say it.
In truth, tho?
What really matters is if this exercise is revving your engine, not whether it does anyone elses.

Happy blogging!

jen,

i think blogs are changing and the kind of blogging you or i would do for encouragement/validation or companionship will now happen on facebook mostly. the kind of blogging you or i would do to comment on society or body image or larger issues will now happen in snippets of conversation on twitter.

if anyone decides to keep blogging, they'll have to do so for the reasons we started--because they wanted a place to put their thoughts whether or not anyone read them (who starts with a built in audience really?) and i understand how hard it is to get back to that place once you've come to the place you are now. when people can't turn back, i think the remaining bloggers will treat their blogs like magazines and offer content because they believe it matters to the world. doing it this way requires so much ego strength, but i think all of us who have been here for a long time will have to switch it up now. there just are too many people online for us to expect the same level of reinforcement or validation. we'll need to recover our old reasons, or get new ones that take us personally to new places.

all that said, i think you have a beautiful soul and a dear heart and that you have many things to offer the world, no matter what you decide to put in this space.

in my dream world, you'd have a chance to share this incredible tenderness you have with a handful of lucky people in your own neighborhood so that when things are really hard, someone will come over and sit with you. and then i wish you would blog about that journey, to create a web of kindness where you are right now, so everyone who doesn't know how to do that either would have hope that it could happen for them too.

your voice is so universal and powerful and needed. i think if you took this vulnerability to your real life and then brought us with you on that journey, you'd speak to thousands of women who wish they had the courage to do the same, and you'd be a true leader in this blogworld, as we all try to replicate in our everyday life this amazing community we've discovered in our online world.

i don't know if that helps, but it's a little wish i have for you. i don't want you to be alone--online or in real life--and i think it would be amazing to use everything you've learned here to create community where you are right now.

for what it's worth, i'd be delighted to discover someone as tender and honest lived in my neighborhood and happier still to have you reach out to me, even if you didn't have it all together. especially so.

lots of love,
jenlemen

Dearest Jen,

As I read through these amazing comments, it occurs to me that the common thread among all of us is that we feel like you have listened to us, valued us, shown up for us. As writers and as humans.

Look -- some of these people are abandoning the Internet, they're that turned off. Some say Facebook is more authentic. Some say the "real world" is better than the "blog world," some say the polar opposite. But they all voted with their virtual feet (and fabulous shoes, you know who you are ladies) to come say that they love you. We love you. You matter. Your words matter.

I can't add to their eloquence except to say...me too. Me too me too me too.

Only you can decide whether to keep blogging and how. But I can share with you that whether you write or not, I don't think the affection and caring of the people commenting here will disappear. We will miss you, however.

I also think, as recommended above, that in-person friendship demands the same kind of dedication that you have developed in and shown to your online friends. While I, like Suburban Turmoil, found more women like me online than off when my son was small, my online life made me happier and made it easier for me to reach out to other people.

I will say this: Print out these comments and wallpaper your living room. Paint them with sparkle-glue and circle your favorites. Repeat them like a mantra. Play ABBA and see what comes to you. And, by all means, eat a cheeseburger. You'll know what to do.

And I can't wait to see you in Chicago.

Love,
Lisa

Still here, still reading, maybe not commenting as much as I should...but I really would miss you if you stopped!

Jen,

I am a big-time lurker of many blogs, including yours.

I have read your blog regularly ever since I found it a few years ago.

I find it refreshing that you are willing to write exactly what you are feeling at the moment that you write it. It lets me know that I am normal and that I am not alone.

As a result of the era in which I grew up and as a result of my family culture (I am 50 years old and come from a family that believes very strongly in privacy, and freedom of personal choice and opinion), I have left comments only a handful of times (except for a few prize giveaways) on any of the blogs that I read. I am just not comfortable telling someone I don't really know, my opinion about what they have written. I know I am not following typical blog protocol, but it just feels very intrusive and presumptuous of me.

For this post that you have written, however, I am making an exception (this is my first comment on your blog).

There are two things I want to say which, I hope, will make a difference for you.

One:
You have made comments in recent posts stating, in effect, that you are not too productive lately (in this post you described yourself as a Slack At Home Mom).
I would disagree... The pics you post of your garden are my evidence that you are not slacking. Those plants and flowers did not just appear in your garden - a lot of love, attention and hard work went into them in order for them to be as beautiful as they are.

The pics of your garden are always lovely and, after seeing pics of your garden, I am always left with a feeling of joy, peace and that the world is a beautiful place. When I am in a state where I see life only through the filter of my own problems, a post about your garden always reminds me that the world is not defined by the problems of the world - there is also beauty, love, peace and lightness in the world. That insight, realization, shift in view (whatever you want to call it) then gives me hope and optimism about my own life and future.

That is the impact and the difference that you and your garden make on my life. And, I'm sure that there are many other readers who have the same experience.

So, thank you, Jen, for all the hard work, love and labor you put into your gardening. You makes the world better and more beautiful. And thank you for sharing, with the world, the fruits of your labor in the garden. You remind us, with each post about your garden, that the world is a beautiful place.

Two:
It's clear that blogging is important to you, but it is causing you a lot of personal turmoil lately.
I'd like to make a suggestion that, I hope, will let you have your cake and eat it too (a way to keep blogging without all the heartache that is going along with it).
I hope this is not too forward, but I have a sense that perhaps you can't see the forest for the trees and that an outside view from a third party might be helpful...

Here is my suggestion:

It is very clear from your posts about gardening, that this is a passion of yours and that your life is richer because of it.
So, I would suggest that you create a blog that is devoted solely to your gardening efforts(or, perhaps, temporarily change the focus of jenandtonic.ca while you see if this blog format works for you).
It can be, essentially, a photo blog. You know - post a picture and add a comment about the pic. Nothing difficult - easy to do - about something that you love.

I think that this could make a big difference for you for the following reasons:
1) You get to continue to blog
2) You get to blog in a format that is easy and comfortable for you (you said that you love photos and few-word posts [if I understood what you wrote in paragraph 6 of this post])
3) You blog about something that you have a passion for (thus developing a muscle for posting about the good in your life as opposed to writing only when you need support)
4) You probably would not have to worry as much if other family members found your blog about gardening - in fact, it might generate relationships with your family that you can't even imagine right now.
5) Most importantly, Jen, you will be engaged in something that is making a difference in the world and because of that, hopefully, you will, in time, come to feel optimistic, hopeful and good about yourself.

Feel free to contact me anytime about anything.

Wishing you many sunny days in your life,

Inez Duranleau

I don't know what to say. I do, I just don't have the time right now as my little one is in the tub! I DO just want to tell you I have not been reading your blog terrible long, and yours is one of the most real, most enjoyable of all to me. You seem like a genuine person and always come across as honest and here. So, I am sorry this is so short and not really what I think you were asking, but anyhow please keep it up!

When I blog hop I look for posts that are honest and this one certainly was. Thank you.

For me, the answer has been not to compare myself to anyone. There are gazillions who get more comments, pageviews than I do, but at the end of the day, it doesn't matter to me. I get to say what I want on my blog and people read it and respond. That's amazing to me. And so worth it.

Jen, I think the single most important thing is: does it help you to blog? Do you like it? Does it help you take care of yourself? Who reads it and why is secondary. I like your blog because it isn't 'crafted', it's not a brand or a product. When I read your posts I feel like you are a real person I care about.

Keep going, Jen.
I'm delurking to say, I read and enjoy your blog. I think you are a real person, and your blog is gritty and truthful. I enjoy your Western Canadian voice in the blogosphere as I'm in Calgary, and it feels comfortable to read your blog. I feel like you could live next door to me. I'm sorry for all your struggles, I have a mother who suffers from anxiety and depression, and it is sometimes hard to understand. Reading your blog helps me to understand a little bit of her (and your) pain. I will continue to read you.

Hi, I'm from Italy, I like to read your blog, I think you are a very interesting person. I've been reading you since 2007. Don't stop. All the best

I'm reading and liking. Keep going!

i read you, i like what you have to say, and i identify with much of what you say. i tend not to comment much (on any blogs) so i guess i just want you to know there are folk out here.

Hi Jen

I'm not a blogger, not a writer even. I read all kinds of blogs, but i rarely comment. I am making an exception today:

I read you 'cause I think it's super cool that you're in Edmonton and I'm in Winnipeg.... that somehow makes you more real than some random chick in the middle of the midwestern US.

I read you because for the first time I am struggling with depression and medication and I like to have someone else's perspective.

I read you because you have an adorable daughter and great taste in shoes.

I read you because you are fucking hilarious.

Mostly, though, I read you because you are brave enough to put it out there. Doesn't matter if it's shitty or funny or irreverent or whatever.

So thanks, please keep it up.

Kate

P.S. I'd love to make you something (i'm a crafter)... let me know what kind of crafty stuff you like. I'm bedridden right now and need projects to take up the time :-)

i confess... i'm one of the people that stepped away from reading you as much. why? i think it was really the lack of posting. i mostly read blogs from work, which means that i check in at least once a day. when people don't post regularly, they fall out of my history list, and i'm less likely to click on them again. but i really have enjoyed reading you over the years, so if you were to start posting more regularly, i'm sure i would start reading more regularly too.

every blog is pretty self-absorbed, and needy, etc., so i don't think that's the problem. I think that's part of what i enjoy about reading blogs, it's seeing this part of people that they might not actually publicize to their friends/family, but which we all have. real life friends are great, but it's kind of nice to have these pen-pal type friends too, people you can say things to that you never would to anyone else because you know that they really don't know you in real life. it's like a cheaper form of therapy. for me, at least! :)

best of luck whatever you decide!

Good God Jen, 134 comments ahead of mine - you may never read this one, but just know - how would you know if you didn't read it, I can't answer - that I adore you and think you hung the moon.